I’m not happy.
It seems like the wall keeps building higher each day, blocking out the sunlight. Some would say, “What the hell are you talking about? You still got a job, you enjoy teaching classes at the side while everyone loves and cares for you.” Very true. But the true reflection of the human heart is never quite judged from the surface isn’t it?
So this is my one chance to say it as it is. To be vulnerable while I feel like it.
It goes like this.
I really don’t know I want to do.
This void, this emptiness when I wake up everyday. I’m trying to find the push, the drive, the motivation, whatever you wanna call it. But I arrive at my cubicle as sad as I was yesterday. I say a weak hello to my colleague everyday while deep inside, I’m hoping that someone would listen. Most of the time, I wonder if He is listening.
I keep telling people life is too short to be wasted on lousy experiences but here am I, facing it everyday. There is a conflict between knowing what you love to do and realising what the world offers you. It is interesting to be in a place where you are just… stuck. Yes, the world’s economy at the moment doesn’t really aid the cause. But perhaps it meant to be a test? That maybe I don’t understand what I really want?
Maybe it’s because I found out from the beginning on what is my motivation. I can’t stand being in the status quo but everyday, I’m sucked into it. I really don’t care about being a millionaire or a famous person (apparently some people think I do) because deep down, it wouldn’t even matter all that much. No, it wouldn’t even matter at all.
Yes, “It’s all about the relationships you foster as a fellow human being”, I always say. Is it really?
Nowadays, I’m getting lonelier. I’m taking even less initiative to reach out. Surely if that’s my motivation, I would show more resolve? But it seemed like all the past experiences have taken the wind out of me. Where is the faith? Where is the energized surging belief that my fellow comrades, brothers and sisters can be loved for the person they are and who God created them to be, rather than what they can offer? It was there before. But now… it dissipates away.
On women. I don’t hate em. I just find it hard to trust. It’s just seemed unlucky that I’ve met a few who managed to take away pieces of me by questioning who I am, in hope that I become who they want me to be. I’m fucking tired of that. I did give my all in every relationship I’ve been in, to hold on as long as I possibly could (or rather beg them not to go) Maybe I tell myself I’ve had enough. I don’t want to be deemed an emotional cupcake anymore. You can tell, I need healing on this one. Forgive me, if Ive pushed you away.
On calling. I wanna to create. I wanna invest my time and knowledge into making people better. I wanna to use my body to perform movements and create art. I hate being restricted and confined to a mere chump. Not being able to use my pent-up energy. I hate being put into a box (a cubicle would fit that description) and I hate being categorized. (which is incidentally the Devil’s work if you derive it from his name) Oh, apparently I’m in a good place.
Yes, I’m slow to make decisions right now. I wander in my mind over my choices. It’s precisely because the moment in my life, this stage, this point where everything I feel will set the course for the rest of my life is damn fucking important to me. This is the kairos for me. Now or never kind of thing.
You know how it’s like such a heavy thing you’re carrying, that burden so stifling that you wish it could be lifted off you? That describes this critical moment. I’m using other events and activities to cover up all the anguish that Im facing right now. Yes, a lot of people do that. I do it too. But I don’t want to keep doing it. I want to be free. To live for what I’m created for. To not be a walking dead horse, carrying my legs to work everyday.
Now I’m demanding You speak. I’m demanding for the “Do you want life?” question from your lips. For out of my mouth, a thousand “Yes” would come out.
For in the same way You don’t condemn the woman at the well, I’m asking for your unmerited favor. I am the undeserved. The receiver of your gift. Change me. Right now.
If it’s change I need to see within me, then do surgery in me with every waking moment. If it’s change I need to see around me, then perhaps let the moment come, (i use ‘perhaps’ because I am afraid) to jump first and fear later. To fiercely be who I am. And to use the strength I’ve built for situations where I’ll say,
“Not my will but your will be done.”
You don’t mean that I actually have to JUMP right? Oh you do. Right. Now let me find that cliff.
[If you don’t understand what I’ve just said simply because it seemed jumbled and incoherrent, it’s okay. Sometimes there is so many thing in one’s heart that he finds it difficult to arrange em in a nice flowing prose.]