Game is over. Farewell My Love.

There was a great sense of excitement when I embraced you about three years ago. I didn’t quite know what to expect. Deep down, I always had a hunch that our relationship wouldn’t work out in the long run. But there were concerned people who told me to give you a chance. That I would never know until I gave it a go.

I said to myself, “Okay, fine. This is an experiment to finally convince myself on whether or not I’ll have a future with you.”

It did helped that you were fun and flexible. At first. You helped me build a sense of confidence and stability. I remembered vividly the first day we got acquainted. I turned up rather early and was made to wait nervously before I could meet your folks. There was I, clad in my freshly-pressed lily-white shirt that I bought at a boutique store weeks ago. Certainly worn to impress.

There was apprehension to be sure. For one thing, I wasn’t used to the settings where I was being confined. I love big spaces and environments where I could express myself fully. Yet perhaps some form of control would do some good for my life. You could provide that. I was brought to meet your Big Daddy. There wasn’t much that I rememberedย  about what he said, except for his last few words of advice, “Enjoy the journey. Have fun.”

And so immediately I was thrown into the deep end with you. Confusion came like a flood as I struggled to come to terms with your culture and yes even the language. Seemed so foreign and at times, pretentious. Not in a fake kinda way but more like sugarcoating every single word with a fancy term so that we’re interacting through a secret code that only we could understand. I took a while to get used to that, because much of my life had relied on plain speaking. I knew I had to master the language to get through to you.

Since then, I’ve enjoyed the fine dining and travels with you. Definitely a first-class ticket to find out what you’re really about. Your strategy was to enticed me with all the romance and indulgences that I would be accustomed to. Nice one. Definitely elevated me to the top of the world. And all that with no strings attached. People are still very much surprised when I mentioned that fact about you. Unleashing your seductive moves on me without expecting anything in return.

Things grew old after a while. You would have sensed that. I no longer appreciated the four walls you confined me into. All that belief that folks from your side of town were proclaiming at the beginning kinda dissolved into a meaningless murky pool of empty promises. It seemed to change frequently like how the season come and go. If it’s one thing that I’ve learnt being with you, it’s that people move on and forget you rather quickly. It’s hard to sustain interest once you’re out of their sphere.

You were good for me. You helped me see things in a different light. I’ve been conditioned to pay more attention to details. I’ve immersed myself in how to be more effective, more productive and how to “get things done”. And with people, it’s not so much of what you say but how you say it. Trained to use the right words at the right time. Some called it being streetwise. Religious people would termed it “skilled living”. I understood “the game” better and how to get ahead. How competent you think I was could never be compared to the person you perceived me to be in this relationship. The latter reality carried us much further into this journey, which sadly had to end a couple of days ago.

I told myself (and your Big Daddy) that I could not continue this relationship simply because I knew I wasn’t giving my absolute best in it. You knew that too. And you deserved more. You picked me because I think differently and acted a lil bit wacky. (it showed in the test results) But as it would turn out, you don’t need me. You require someone more stable. Someone who is consistent and would enjoy doing the same things for you over and over again. With the same level of enthusiasm everyday. My moods meander through peaks and troughs depending on how passionate I am. And that fire I had for you had never existed. I tried to generate passion for you. But it was futile each time. I would know it because I’ve tried to do it everyday for the past three years. If I was ever in love with you, I would go on to convince you through all kinds of means, plowing every road of possibility despite the raging storms and hurricanes, so that you’ll know my obsession for you without a shadow of doubt.

I must admit. I felt a tinge of sadness the moment I left you. Fond memories always get to me. But I know it will soon pass once I embark fully on this new journey of the unknown. Of shit-inducing scary possibilities. Makes my heart beat a lil bit faster every time I ponder over it. Deep down I know it was the right decision. The lights came on again and again, directing me to change course and to take the narrow path. My dream, she waits at the end of that trouble-laden path. I’m treading on a turf full of landmines. Yet it would be the very choice that defines the rest of my life. I’m not kidding. That I truly believe. Even if many others disagree. These are not illusion of grandeur that I’ve cooked up in the recesses of my mind. This is me, translating Word into Life. Making it flesh.

And you are the casualty. Though of course, you are already moving on fine without me.

Adieu, Corporate World. Our paths may cross again, but for now I’m checking out the view on the other side.



Filed under Adventure, Introspection, Vocation

4 responses to “Game is over. Farewell My Love.

  1. it certainly takes courage to break away from this “love”. no regrets… i bet the feeling is just one way.

  2. Claire

    heh so now what are you going to do?

  3. C

    Wait for me to explore the other side ๐Ÿ™‚ another 18 more days…divemaster??

  4. gregorychang

    zewt – yes, i have had many ‘affairs’ during this relationship. i felt that i was so unfaithful and disloyal. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    C – being a divemaster is in my top 100. definitely to be achieved by next year.

    Claire – I’ll let the Quester answer it for me. (many people have asked me the same question)

    You who are young, make the most of your youth.
    Relish your youthful vigor.
    Follow the impulses of your heart.
    If something looks good to you, pursue it.
    But know also that not just anything goes;
    You have to answer to God for every last bit of it.

    Live footloose and fancy-freeโ€”
    You won’t be young forever.
    Youth lasts about as long as smoke.

    Ecclesiastes 11:9-10

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